Starting Again... and Again.

To say that this year was difficult would be an understatement. Sometimes I wonder if the universe will ever settle or slow things down for me. Yet, I also don’t want it to.

Collapse, and another collapse. Life revolves around relationships. When a relationship collapses, one that you invested everything into, your life will inevitably go through destruction. Its not easy, it never is.

I remember the taste of cold grief like it was yesterday. So bitter. I remember the wounds that made me bleed onto the ground. I remember the tears that never stopped flowing. The aching in your solar plexus, carving out any hope.

These are the dark places I wish we didn’t find ourselves in but alas, we are on earth.

When I went through the first collapse, I thought all was lost. The person you are attached to becomes your whole world. That world had vanished for me. My direction in life had completely changed. I knew in recovery I needed to “understand”. Thankfully, I had enough resiliency to know the universe was pointing me in a new direction.

When I thought I was ready, I took another risk. Yet, this beautiful experience of love, led to another collapse.

My identity seemed to bleed onto the ground. The air was not breathable.

This time, I did not know where to go.

It seemed like there was a severing between myself and my connection to the greater universe. My crown was certainly blocked.

However, I COULD heal. Even though there was so much collapse this year, the integration of aspects of my consciousness, and the willingness to see a different higher perspective, was always at my core.

So much was changing in my relationships. Between friendships and romance, people had left, and I wanted to see… “what the hell is going on!”

So quite quickly, this was answered more and more. As a result of this being answered, the void was very quickly filled with new people, who were much more compatible to my newfound boundaries, preferences, and healing of my own patterns of resistance. Everything started to become clear as to why I was a match to certain relationships.

My desires and boundaries became so strong, that I was a match to the very people I wanted. People who also knew how to heal. People who valued interdependency, who felt safe in conflict resolution, who were “strong” in the sense of meeting needs and resiliency. I became much more of a match to support, from other teachers, and close friends. My friendships got closer. I was being positively owned.

I have been such a giver. I have had subconscious resistance of having to do everything “on my own”. I have allowed myself to be gaslighted in the past through “hyper-responsibility”. My resistance is what led me to being a match to certain dysfunctional patterns in previous relationships. Managing other people’s emotions, falling into a victim control dynamic, triangulation, and much more. This comes with a vibration of disgust for where I am now, alongside anger.

I find anger to be so beautiful. It is simply pain around a need not being met.

What I have found within human relationships, is how much people are traumatized. How much their subconscious is playing into the connection. How the relationship styles of codependency and narcissism really run the show.

In the spiritual field this is especially true. If a person does not know how to truly heal, and enters a connection, all the energy around suppressed needs, unspoken boundaries, and a lack of a sense of self MUST go somewhere, ultimately spilling out. Often “boundaries” then become a way to play zero sum games with the intention of healing and gaining a sense of self (externally). There is so much more to be spoken about both dynamics which I will be doing throughout my career.

The collapses have taught me and brought me much closer to myself. A new direction in my career is being birthed, my social circle is becoming one of togetherness and community with strong compatible people, my future is uncertain, but I’m sure the universe has pulled me into its grand plan. After all, we are the same.

“My favorite part was when I remembered I was one with the universe”.